The second half
Last month I celebrated my 55th birthday. Now at the mid-point of my 50s, what has the first half taught me about thriving in the second?
I had a wonderful birthday weekend - it was, I thought, going to be a quiet one after all that has happened recently, but my husband had other ideas.
We ended up staying in a beautiful art-inspired hotel with a roof top pool overlooking Battersea Power Station in London. And yes I did brave a dip despite it being the tail end of October!
I felt real joy and peace floating around up there, a little moment of calm within a stormy year. And right then, I spotted a rainbow emerging from the grey clouds and immediately felt my recently deceased parent’s presence. It was as if they were there together with me sharing this joyful and happy moment. It felt like they had come with a message too; treasure these moments of joy, Emma. One of Dad’s favourite songs after all was ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’.
And it was a weekend of happiness doing things that I love. We went to see a photography exhibition, ate delicious Mexican and Portuguese food and wondered around Brick Lane taking photos. Best of all we spent quality time together away from all the stress and sadness that has pervaded much of our year.
Yet it felt rather indulgent and at times I wondered whether I even deserved it.
It got me thinking and reflecting about thriving - whether we truly believe we ‘deserve’ nice things and experiences in our life. After an eternity of prioritising others, as so many women do, it’s all too easy to relegate pleasure to the bottom of the pile. And once there, it becomes so buried it hardly ever or never sees the light of day again.
I have to confess giving myself permission to prioritise and appreciate my own joyful moments is still very much ‘work-in-progress’, but I am getting better!
And it’s no wonder, as women have been conditioned over centuries to prioritise the wants and needs of other’s in society at the expense of their own. Women are expected to be dependable - always giving, caring, and serving. Is it any surprise that we’re often too tired and exhausted after all that to focus on our own joy?
Yet, there’s got to be more to life than ticking tasks off a list and being at everyone’s beck and call. It’s time to say no, that’s not enough and that I deserve more.
I want a life of thrive; of many dimensions and colours that nourishes my soul and makes me feel truly alive and energised. And I’m sure you do too.
That’s why I’m so passionate about Fifty Thrive - my midlife adventure to get curious and discover what brings me joy, and how I can bring more of that into my life in big and small ways. And in doing so encourage other women to do the same.
So mid-way through my fifties, let’s get honest, how I am doing and what have the last five years taught me?
I have to admit, turning 50 feels like a lifetime ago now. The years since then have been some of the most challenging, yet revelatory and transformative of my life - full of twists, turns and life-changing shifts. Yet despite this, I’m deeply grateful for all the bumps along the way - they’ve taught me so much!
Four house moves, three renovations, two terminally ill parents (and their passing), endless months of isolation away from family and friends (thanks Covid) and one too many peri-menopausal meltdowns - these last five years sure have been one hell of a ride. Sometimes I wonder how I held it all together and made it through - but here I am!
And let’s face it these last five years haven’t been easy for any of us. It’s been a white-knuckle ride of massive curveballs from the pandemic to the cost of living crisis before you even throw in any personal challenges. If you’re anything like me you’ll have often experienced life overshadowed by overwhelm, anxiety, isolation and strife, and possibly grief. Not the most intoxicating concoction for a life of thrive! Reflecting back I can see how I often became stuck in survival mode, not knowing how to escape.
Despite all this, my desire and hope to find my thrive has not diminished, in fact it’s made me even more determined to do so. I haven’t come this far to give up on my dreams!
And as they say in the darkness you find your light, and this has certainly been true for me. What kept me going through these tough times was a deep desire to introspect and reflect.
It just felt the right time to question who I was in my midlife and what I wanted next. And there’s nothing like your life flashing by to focus the mind!
Like many midlife women I know, I was also feeling the effects of the crazy, uncertain world we now live in alongside my own internal dramas. I was drawn to find out why I felt so anxious and was still wrestling with uncomfortable feelings about myself. I wanted to get to the bottom of my self-doubt and unworthiness and how I could overcome the incessant negative talk that has plagued me for much of my life. It was time to go inwards and face my vulnerabilities and once and for all to conquer my self-limiting beliefs and habits. I was ready to learn, heal and hopefully grow.
It wasn’t easy or pretty to dig that deep to challenge my long-held ‘comfort-zone’ demons. Yet it was when I bravely went in that I began to discover some game-changing ways to reframe everything about myself that no longer served me (and let’s be honest had never served me!)
To guide my curiosity and self-development I devoured podcasts, videos, books, and sought out and talked to other women in midlife who were going through similar experiences. Their stories of finding their thrive were so inspiring and gave me the impetus I needed not to give up chasing mine. I also benefitted from some excellent coaching and more recently I’ve been doing some bereavement counselling.
It was amongst all of this that my light-bulb moment came. It sprung from finding a TED talk about self-compassion by Dr Kristin Neff. Every single word she said resonated with me. It was a huge relief listening to her explain how showing loving kindness towards yourself (and others) is life-changingly powerful. After so long being down on myself, this felt like a breath of fresh air….something that I could start to embrace and practice. In many ways I couldn’t believe I’d not discovered it before, but then often these revelations come to you when you need them most!
It was frankly a relief to realise that I was never going to erase or necessarily even change the parts of me I didn’t like or approve of, but that I could acknowledge them for what they were without judging myself so harshly. Through further self-compassion practice, reading and meditations I’ve begun to accept and get comfortable with the whole of me - the good, the bad and the ugly. Shedding these heavy layers of shame and unworthiness has made my life much lighter and changed me and my perspective beyond what I could ever imagine.
I now believe I’m a completely different version of myself than I was just five years ago when I turned 50; I’m wiser, more compassionate and kind, and yes most definitely feistier!
And now that I’ve ‘done the work’ (though is the work never done?) I feel that I’m starting the second half of my fifties in a much better, stronger and more loving place. Self-compassion has helped me to get my emotions into perspective, the negative voices more under control, and to become more resilient yet less judgemental towards myself and others. I’ve come to accept the whole imperfect me. I’ve also become more observant of the beauty and symbolism of simple things (such as rainbows!) and appreciative and grateful for life itself.
For me, self-compassion is my midlife superpower - the foundations on which to build and sustain my life of thrive. Sure they’ll be challenges, bumps and rollercoasters in the next five years and beyond, but I now know I’ll be able handle them with grace. They’ll no longer throw me back into survival mode as at my core I’ll be focused on thrive. I’ve also learnt what my own unique ingredients are to thrive, and I’ll continue to seek them out whenever I can - curiosity, connection, community, creativity and compassion.
So I feel excited about what the next five years hold - I have a clearer picture of how I want to live my life and how I go about that. I’m finally ready to thrive!
And best of all I’m confident that I deserve it - and know that you do too.
Thank you so much for reading - I’d love to hear your thoughts on thriving and what might be holding you back.
Do you think you’re surviving or thriving or somewhere in between?
What about self-compassion - do you practice it and has it helped you?
Do you want to share your story of discovering, pursuing and living your thrive with me or others? If so I’d love to interview you for my book and on my upcoming podcast - do get in touch!
And please do share this post and my Substack profile with any midlife woman you know who’d benefit - my mission is to create a community of supportive Fifty Thrive women!
All the images were taken on the birthday weekend