Coming of (middle) age
Better late than never....
Recently I celebrated my birthday - I’m 56 in case you’re wondering. Though these days when someone puts me on the spot, I often forget my exact age - call it brain fog or plain denial. I know that I’m somewhere in my mid fifties, but I also know that I don't feel it (whatever it is meant to feel like!)
Usually the imminence of my birthday triggers low level anxiety, I’m never quite sure why, but it’s undeniably there. Perhaps you feel this too? Yet this year was surprisingly different. A refreshing air of calm and contentment wafted over me as my birthday approached.
Maybe I’ve come of (middle) age, I thought to myself. Could it be that I’ve finally made peace with who I am? Or has the turbulence of the past year left me feeling deeply grateful for getting here; thankful for simply being healthy and hopeful. Maybe it’s a combination of all these things.
There’s also something deeply personal about this time of year. It’s my ‘new year, new me’ moment when I feel drawn to reflect on what’s changed since I last blew out the candles. As an October baby, I’ve always felt the autumn to winter transition powerfully. It’s like nature herself is calling me to take notice of my evolution. It’s time for some quiet contemplation.
Nature certainly has that power over me with her myriad of ways to capture my attention, and show me just how beautiful transitions can be. Out on my walks this past month, I’ve been enchanted by the stunning array of colours, the nuanced light and the dancing leaves - in awe of how these natural transitions seem so simple, yet poetic.
And how ironic it is that change, when applied to us mere mortals, doesn’t happen nearly as naturally or gracefully; maybe it’s because we’re always trying to control and resist it so much!
So with my seasonal senses heightened, I’ve been contemplating all that’s happened in my 55th year. After one of the most pivotal and tumultuous years of my life, I was especially curious to dig a little deeper to see what I could uncover and reveal to myself.
It was certainly a year defined by loss and learnings; etched with grief, challenged with uncertainty and rootlessness, and marked by the unrelenting burden of sorting out my parent’s sadmin. A year that has taken so much out of me emotionally but also given so much back in insights and wisdom.
And as I look back over all the moments and milestones (many documented in my previous posts) it’s clear that I’ve gone through some pretty intense personal shifts. My perspectives and mindset have been stretched and flexed to their limits, and I’ve been compelled so many times to let go without resistance. And as we all know, that’s a really difficult thing to do, especially when the thing that needs to be released is so emotionally charged.
What’s helped me immeasurably is to witness every twist and turn with a spirit of wonder and curiosity - to explore what lies beneath the surface; to dig around in the dirt. It’s meant confronting my fears, accepting my limitations, coming to terms with my imperfections, and my own ageing process. And as us midlife women know full well those things are really tough to wrestle with, and that it takes many rounds of punches and knockdowns to emerge the victor. Though, I know for sure, that it’s going to be a while before I do my own victory lap!
And from all these tussles, one of the most powerful things I’ve come to realise in coping with my parent’s deaths and the aftermath, is that my very own identity has been called into question. I’ve been forced to confront who I am now that I’m no longer defined by the roles of child and daughter. These are the labels that I’ve willingly worn all my life - so much so that they’ve become my comfort blanket; an imaginary protector from life’s hardships.
Acclimatising to this new reality has been a massive shift for me; one that’s been sobering, liberating and terrifying in equal measures. And yet the defining thing out of all of this has been the realisation that I’ve finally become a fully-fledged adult!
At the ripe old age of 56 I’m beginning to stand on my own two feet and embrace adulthood. Better late than never I guess! Maybe it’s because I’ve not been a mother that my transition into this next phase feels so profound to me - who knows. But one thing I know for sure is that anyone who’s lost both their parents feels this way in some shape or form.
So coming full circle, maybe that’s why I’m more confident and hopeful as I enter my 56th year. The significant shifts have begun to happen and I’m getting more acquainted with the new version of myself. I’m starting to discover that this fully-fledged, yet newly formed adult is ready to thrive!
I believe that now’s my time to fully focus on launching Fifty Thrive - to nurture and nourish it in the way it deserves. I’m energised and excited to inspire and support midlife women to find their own thrive, and to connect with women around the world who resonate with its ethos. And I can’t wait to find more opportunities and experiences to bring Fifty Thrive to midlife women wherever they are.
I’m also now equipped with the knowledge and foundations from which my own thrive can grow. With my thrive three in place and prioritised in my life (mine are curiosity, connection and compassion), I’m ready as I'll ever be to thrive on my own terms. And as we all know, there’s no time like the present to make things happen!
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope that it has helped you if you’re going through a challenging time of grief or loss. There is hope and thrive at the end of the tunnel!
Please share with anyone you think might benefit from reading this.
I also look forward to telling you more about finding your own Thrive Three foundations soon, and how they can guide you and your life towards thriving - this will be on my soon-to-be-launched Fifty Thrive website. Watch this space!!