‘Baggage’
Less unboxing, more unburdening....
If you asked me to sum up the past year in one word I might well blurt out ‘baggage’.
And yes, you may look at me like I’ve gone slightly mad! I know, it’s not a very ‘Fifty Thrive’ kind of word is it, but hear me out.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many hours of my life over the last year have been given to sorting out stuff, and trying to get rid of it. Often there were times when I felt like the burden was suffocating me, both physically and emotionally - the sheer weight and responsibility of it all sucking the joy right out of me.
For I, along with my sister, have been clearing out our parents' two bedroom flat after both of them died last year. I know, two bedrooms, it sounds like it would be a breeze. It’s not like it’s some family pile in the country full of heirlooms and priceless objects, nevertheless there were times when it felt like it may as well have been!
You see, my parents were very much part of the post-war generation which clung to stuff for dear life. ‘You never know when it might come in useful’ was my Mum’s stock phrase when we tried to encourage her to declutter. And yes, you guessed it, none of it ended up being re-homed in her lifetime. Instead, it went back in a box or found its way into the darkest recesses of a cupboard patiently waiting for its star turn that never came.
They also had disposable income. With a secure job, paid overtime, and affordable housing (yes they were a reality once-upon-a-time!) they were able to pay the bills and the mortgage AND have money left over to buy frivolous things. My parents had a particular predilection for collecting cut crystal glasses, crockery sets and old prints and maps.
Things that they cherished in their lives, yet today most people don’t want, as I was soon to find out. Very little from a bygone era is valued these days - brown furniture; that’ll be a no, grandfather clock; nah two a penny, cut crystal; you’ll be so lucky, old maps in frames; not for us.
It’s been sad and sobering that the things my parents worked for, and enjoyed, are now deemed worthless. So getting rid of them, as you can imagine, has proved to be a real challenge. The local charity shops and hospice around us have never had it so good, and I know at least that would please Mum and Dad. Maybe they felt a little lighter too when these things finally were let go of.
Sifting through their more personal things; handwritten letters during their courtship, cards for anniversaries and birthdays, candid photos of carefree days, Dad’s shirts and ties, Mum’s jewellery and makeup, and all the other minutiae of their lives, has been surprisingly heart wrenching as well as heart warming.
From beneath endless piles and boxes of stuff, memories have emerged, both happy and sad; deeply embedded emotions have resurfaced, and childhood insecurities and traumas surprisingly triggered. It’s often been a heavy burden.
And yes, there've been so many tears; tears of grief, loss, frustration, laughter, of realising my own ageing and mortality, as well as repressed ones released from childhood. I often wondered if Mum and Dad were witnessing all of this from beyond, or whether these moments were always meant for my own quiet reflection. A time for me to process everything alone.
And finally as I write this, the end of the dark tunnel feels much closer now; just one final push and we will have cleared and emptied the flat ready for its new owner. Not long until we’ll look for the last time around the place that encompassed all the highs and lows of their final few years together.
Those times of tenderness and care, and of bickering and frustrations (I was party to both) as they tried to cope with their increasing fragility. Those times of confinement in the pandemic, of separation and suffering as their health failed, and of sanguine realisation that their life together was coming to an end. Every emotion is captured within those walls, and all the possessions and memories that they held close.
It’ll be a huge relief to shut the front door one last time and finally exhale deeply knowing that it’s all over. I can almost feel right now the tingles of elation and the lightness that will come. It’ll mark the end of my survival chapter, and the beginning of something new; a time for me to finally have the energy and spirit to reconnect to, and revitalise my own thriving.
While this experience has been challenging and seemingly never-ending, I get the sense that it had a visceral purpose; like an adult rite of passage. For it’s taught me so much about myself. It’s taken me back to my childhood and reminded me of how that’s shaped who I am now (and why I act and behave like I do - still some ‘work’ to do there), of what’s important in my own life (and how accumulating more stuff is NOT the way), and why letting go will enhance my growth and joy in midlife and beyond.
However, you don’t need to go through such an intense experience like I did to feel the need to let go and declutter your life. Midlife is a period of reflection and transformation that often results in the desire to cast off all that feels cumbersome and unnecessary. It's time to purge and be free!
I too have been through this recently, not just with letting go of my parents’ stuff, but also as a result of how life has panned out this past year. My husband and I have been living out of a couple of suitcases and boxes for much of the time as we’ve been on a nomadic journey in Portugal and the UK. It’s all part of our journey of reset, which has certainly made me appreciate living with less, and become more conscious about my choices. I have definitely learnt that less is often more!
And when we do settle down soon, I hope to continue letting go of all that no longer serves me both materially or emotionally. I know it’s not going to be easy as there’s something within us all that wants to cling to the familiar and the comforting - be that things, people or places. Yet I know that having a mindset that prioritises experiences, connections and sustainability will ultimately bring me a more fulfilling and purposeful life, and then I’ll be living my own Fifty Thrive.
Thank you for reading - I’d love to hear your comments on the topic of decluttering and letting go, especially in midlife. What have your experiences been - or do you have any wisdom to share with others?
If you want to take some time to journal on this topic, then here are a five questions to answer:
What’s weighing you down at the moment?
What could you let go of right now - think things, habits, people, places)?
What’s stopping you from letting go / decluttering?
How would letting go make you feel?
What would be a positive outcome for you if you did let go of something?
And here’s a few things I’ve found to inspire / motivate you (links highlighted):
Laura at Marvellous Midlife has a wonderful podcast with Siobhan Daniels (Episode 1) and her journey to selling up, downsizing and living in a van - inspiring stuff!
Siobhan also has written a book Retirement Rebel about this experience (I’ve yet to read but it comes highly recommended and is in my winter reading pile!)
We recent watched a documentary by the Minimalists (too extreme for me) but still a fascinating watch about over consumption and needing less, living more
Follow not.needing.new on instagram - Anna has a great feed that focuses on the Joy of Enough and sustainable style (second hand) - less and simplicity is more for her (Laura also interviewed her on her podcast).
If you know of any other great books, podcasts or resources about letting go in midlife I’d love to hear about them.
Oh and please do follow me for more Thrive inspiration and expert visibility support on: Website LinkedIn Instagram Tik Tok
Emma xx
Oh my goodness - THIS! This is why I hold space for my clients and not just declutter. Yes, it's stuff, but as you say, those items, your parents had worked hard for and treasured. Absolutely love that you have shared your experience and emotions around such a sensitive topic.